Update

Its been an awfully long time since I've updated the blog and this will be the last post for this blog. 

As I sit here typing this out, with tears streaming down my face, with a sad and heavy heart, I'm sad to say that Trevor and I are officially getting a divorce. I was made to believe that we'd work things out and get back together in the end, but I was badly mistaken. I've never been more depressed, frustrated, sad, angry and any other emotion you can think of, ever in my life then I am right now.

I was an idiot and gave full custody of Bentley to Trevor, before moving back home to Utah. Now I have zero chances of getting any sort of custody. If I could go back in time and change some things I would. I love my son more then anything in this world and it kills me to not have him. I am a damn good mom, whether I'm in Washington or not, and I wish people would realize that. I would do anything for Bentley, and I mean anything. 

No one is going to understand why we did things the way we're doing them and guess what, no one needs to understand. But why would I stay in a place that was literally hell for me? Why would I go back to that, when the only one person I have is my son. So I moved back home to Utah, to be by my friends and family, because they're my support. I moved back to get an education, because I need to be able to provide for myself and Bentley for the future. I moved back to get a job, to help me out financially. I moved back, not only to better my sons future, but to help myself. How can I help my son, when I can't even help myself? 

I've gone through hell and back way too many times, this past summer. But at one point this past summer, I was so happy. I was happy with who I was, where I was going and I didn't care what was going on in my life at the moment. But now, I'm struggling to find that happiness and all I want is to be happy again. I need to be happy again.

If you're close to me, I'm asking you now for all of your love and support, because I'm really struggling to keep my head above the water. If you tell me to ask you for help when I need it, please be there when I really need it. I can't do this on my own. I need my friends and family more then ever.

Also, I know there's two sides to every story, if you want Trevor's side ask him, maybe he'll tell you. I'll always love him, but it just wasn't meant to be and that's okay. He's a good father to our son and that's all that matters. 

Here's to new adventures, new memories, learning how to co parent, a new life and finally being happy.

Xoxo,

Emi

Update

It's been awhile since I've updated the blog and I figured it's probably time to update it.

A lot of things have been going on these past couple of months and a lot of things have changed.

I'm sure most of you have noticed that I am back in Utah for awhile from my pictures and posts on my social media platforms. As soon as I moved back, I was bombarded with a ton of texts and messages asking what was going on and what was happening. I heard from family members, really good friends and people who I haven't talked to for years. I appreciate the love and support, trust me, I do, but at the same time, it's really no ones business on why I'm back and why Trevor and I have decided to do what we're doing.

I know a lot of you are curious and I know there are rumors going around. So lets just get it out in the open, yes, Trevor and I are currently separated. We will either work things out in the end or we will go our separate ways. Everything will work out in the end and our little family will be ok. This separation gives us time for us to focus on Bentley, but also to find ourselves and work on ourselves individually. Because let's be honest, how can you love someone else without loving yourself first? So many people only know one side of the story, or hate Trevor, or just want to be nosy. When truth is, you all have no idea what's going on. We are doing what's best for us and no one else. 

Now I want to tell you a story. Yesterday at church, the lesson in Relief Society was on marriage. I immediately looked at one of my roommates and she realized that the lesson might be hard for me. As soon as the teacher got to her second point in the lesson, which was about being sealed to your spouse for eternity, I completely lost it. I left bawling, because I just couldn't handle the lesson. I am at a completely different point in my life than the girls in my ward. Being back here in Utah and having the experiences I've already gone through is helping me find myself and realize what I'm really suppose to do. I'm finally getting my answers.

So if we get back together or go our separate ways, don't judge. Just know that we really do appreciate all of the love and support that we have been receiving. My little family means the world to me and I love those two boys more than anything.

"No trial is so large, we can't overcome it together." -Neil Andersen

Until next time,

Xoxo

Emi

social media lies

A couple of weeks ago, I was scrolling through my Facebook news feed and came across an article that a friend had shared. Normally, I would just scroll on by, but for some reason I was interested in reading it. As I was reading the article, I was surprised at how much I related to it. The article was about how social media lies. The lady posted a couple of pictures with her children and husband, and under each picture she explained that they may look happy, or her husband took her on a date, but she also explained how even though they look happy in the picture, things aren't always what they seem.
In the picture of her and her husband smiling, they went out on a date night so they had to document it, but what you don't know is that before they took the picture, they got into an argument over something dumb. In the picture of her and her kids, it seems like they're having a good time, but what you don't know is that, her kids have been driving her crazy all day, but she still loves them.

In my opinion, what we post on social media, is normally all the good things that are happening in our lives. After reading that article, I decided that from now on, whenever I post a picture to my Facebook or my Instagram, I'm going to caption it like this, "What you see here is: blah blah blah. What you don't know is: blah blah blah." I'm totally guilty of making it seem like I have the perfect life, but in reality I don't. I want people to see what I want them to see. My social media is lying to you, that's why I decided to use my new caption, just like the lady from the article did.

What you see is: my husband and I out on a date night.
What you don't know is: We were arguing about taking a picture together, because Trevor hates pictures, but I love documenting everything.

What you see is: Bentley and I watching a movie together on his iPad.
What you don't know is: I was having a really hard day with him that day, but he always knows how to comfort me when I'm not in a good mood.

What you see is: Bentley having some quiet time and spending time with me before bed.
What you don't know is: I was packing for my trip to Utah, because I just needed a break from life, because we all need that some times.

What you see is: Bentley being silly!
What you don't know is: We were at the church for a play date with some of the other moms and kids in our ward. It took Bentley an hour to get off the couch and into the gym to play with the other kids.

What you see is: Me trying to take a decent picture with Bentley! (which hardly ever happens)
What you don't know is: I had to cut my Utah trip short, because of the bad weather and my two boys got sick, so I rushed home to be with them and I'm glad I did.

What you see is: a somewhat decent picture of Bentley and I.
What you don't know is: he was screaming bloody murder and slapped me in the face before I got this picture.

What you see is: Bentley and I spending quality time together.
What you don't know is: I was having a hard day that day and cried to Trevor about how my depression is getting to me again and that I needed another break. Bentley saw me crying and crawled into bed with me, played our favorite movie and didn't leave my side.

What you see is: Trevor and I actually look really happy on our little last minute getaway to Spokane.
What you don't know is: We actually got into a couple big arguments that day and the night before. We haven't spent much one on one time together since Valentine's Day. So I booked us a hotel in Spokane, called him and told him to pack a bag, because we're leaving soon. We definitely needed it and we're going to try to do them often.

You may not like my new way of captioning my pictures on my social media, but it helps me to be real with my friends and followers. I won't give all the details, but at least I know I'm being honest.

Until next time,

Xoxo
Emi