Update

Its been an awfully long time since I've updated the blog and this will be the last post for this blog. 

As I sit here typing this out, with tears streaming down my face, with a sad and heavy heart, I'm sad to say that Trevor and I are officially getting a divorce. I was made to believe that we'd work things out and get back together in the end, but I was badly mistaken. I've never been more depressed, frustrated, sad, angry and any other emotion you can think of, ever in my life then I am right now.

I was an idiot and gave full custody of Bentley to Trevor, before moving back home to Utah. Now I have zero chances of getting any sort of custody. If I could go back in time and change some things I would. I love my son more then anything in this world and it kills me to not have him. I am a damn good mom, whether I'm in Washington or not, and I wish people would realize that. I would do anything for Bentley, and I mean anything. 

No one is going to understand why we did things the way we're doing them and guess what, no one needs to understand. But why would I stay in a place that was literally hell for me? Why would I go back to that, when the only one person I have is my son. So I moved back home to Utah, to be by my friends and family, because they're my support. I moved back to get an education, because I need to be able to provide for myself and Bentley for the future. I moved back to get a job, to help me out financially. I moved back, not only to better my sons future, but to help myself. How can I help my son, when I can't even help myself? 

I've gone through hell and back way too many times, this past summer. But at one point this past summer, I was so happy. I was happy with who I was, where I was going and I didn't care what was going on in my life at the moment. But now, I'm struggling to find that happiness and all I want is to be happy again. I need to be happy again.

If you're close to me, I'm asking you now for all of your love and support, because I'm really struggling to keep my head above the water. If you tell me to ask you for help when I need it, please be there when I really need it. I can't do this on my own. I need my friends and family more then ever.

Also, I know there's two sides to every story, if you want Trevor's side ask him, maybe he'll tell you. I'll always love him, but it just wasn't meant to be and that's okay. He's a good father to our son and that's all that matters. 

Here's to new adventures, new memories, learning how to co parent, a new life and finally being happy.

Xoxo,

Emi

Update

It's been awhile since I've updated the blog and I figured it's probably time to update it.

A lot of things have been going on these past couple of months and a lot of things have changed.

I'm sure most of you have noticed that I am back in Utah for awhile from my pictures and posts on my social media platforms. As soon as I moved back, I was bombarded with a ton of texts and messages asking what was going on and what was happening. I heard from family members, really good friends and people who I haven't talked to for years. I appreciate the love and support, trust me, I do, but at the same time, it's really no ones business on why I'm back and why Trevor and I have decided to do what we're doing.

I know a lot of you are curious and I know there are rumors going around. So lets just get it out in the open, yes, Trevor and I are currently separated. We will either work things out in the end or we will go our separate ways. Everything will work out in the end and our little family will be ok. This separation gives us time for us to focus on Bentley, but also to find ourselves and work on ourselves individually. Because let's be honest, how can you love someone else without loving yourself first? So many people only know one side of the story, or hate Trevor, or just want to be nosy. When truth is, you all have no idea what's going on. We are doing what's best for us and no one else. 

Now I want to tell you a story. Yesterday at church, the lesson in Relief Society was on marriage. I immediately looked at one of my roommates and she realized that the lesson might be hard for me. As soon as the teacher got to her second point in the lesson, which was about being sealed to your spouse for eternity, I completely lost it. I left bawling, because I just couldn't handle the lesson. I am at a completely different point in my life than the girls in my ward. Being back here in Utah and having the experiences I've already gone through is helping me find myself and realize what I'm really suppose to do. I'm finally getting my answers.

So if we get back together or go our separate ways, don't judge. Just know that we really do appreciate all of the love and support that we have been receiving. My little family means the world to me and I love those two boys more than anything.

"No trial is so large, we can't overcome it together." -Neil Andersen

Until next time,

Xoxo

Emi

social media lies

A couple of weeks ago, I was scrolling through my Facebook news feed and came across an article that a friend had shared. Normally, I would just scroll on by, but for some reason I was interested in reading it. As I was reading the article, I was surprised at how much I related to it. The article was about how social media lies. The lady posted a couple of pictures with her children and husband, and under each picture she explained that they may look happy, or her husband took her on a date, but she also explained how even though they look happy in the picture, things aren't always what they seem.
In the picture of her and her husband smiling, they went out on a date night so they had to document it, but what you don't know is that before they took the picture, they got into an argument over something dumb. In the picture of her and her kids, it seems like they're having a good time, but what you don't know is that, her kids have been driving her crazy all day, but she still loves them.

In my opinion, what we post on social media, is normally all the good things that are happening in our lives. After reading that article, I decided that from now on, whenever I post a picture to my Facebook or my Instagram, I'm going to caption it like this, "What you see here is: blah blah blah. What you don't know is: blah blah blah." I'm totally guilty of making it seem like I have the perfect life, but in reality I don't. I want people to see what I want them to see. My social media is lying to you, that's why I decided to use my new caption, just like the lady from the article did.

What you see is: my husband and I out on a date night.
What you don't know is: We were arguing about taking a picture together, because Trevor hates pictures, but I love documenting everything.

What you see is: Bentley and I watching a movie together on his iPad.
What you don't know is: I was having a really hard day with him that day, but he always knows how to comfort me when I'm not in a good mood.

What you see is: Bentley having some quiet time and spending time with me before bed.
What you don't know is: I was packing for my trip to Utah, because I just needed a break from life, because we all need that some times.

What you see is: Bentley being silly!
What you don't know is: We were at the church for a play date with some of the other moms and kids in our ward. It took Bentley an hour to get off the couch and into the gym to play with the other kids.

What you see is: Me trying to take a decent picture with Bentley! (which hardly ever happens)
What you don't know is: I had to cut my Utah trip short, because of the bad weather and my two boys got sick, so I rushed home to be with them and I'm glad I did.

What you see is: a somewhat decent picture of Bentley and I.
What you don't know is: he was screaming bloody murder and slapped me in the face before I got this picture.

What you see is: Bentley and I spending quality time together.
What you don't know is: I was having a hard day that day and cried to Trevor about how my depression is getting to me again and that I needed another break. Bentley saw me crying and crawled into bed with me, played our favorite movie and didn't leave my side.

What you see is: Trevor and I actually look really happy on our little last minute getaway to Spokane.
What you don't know is: We actually got into a couple big arguments that day and the night before. We haven't spent much one on one time together since Valentine's Day. So I booked us a hotel in Spokane, called him and told him to pack a bag, because we're leaving soon. We definitely needed it and we're going to try to do them often.

You may not like my new way of captioning my pictures on my social media, but it helps me to be real with my friends and followers. I won't give all the details, but at least I know I'm being honest.

Until next time,

Xoxo
Emi

all caught up

Where has the time gone?! 2016 has come and gone, and it's already almost March of 2017.

It's been a couple of months since I've updated the blog, I've been buy with life, but I'm back and ready to get you all caught up with what's going on in our life.

November 2016:

We moved out of Trevor's moms house and got a place of our own! It's so nice to have our own space and a place to call ours. It's a 3 bed, 1 bath with a fenced yard and garage. It's a couple blocks away from his moms house, which is nice if we have an emergency or something.

After dropping out of beauty school, I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. Being a stay at home mom, was what I've always wanted to be, but I needed to do something else that helped distract me from my depression and anxiety. So I convinced my husband to let me sign up to be a SeneGence distributor! If you don't know what that is, SeneGence is an international company, that sells skin care and cosmetic products. Have you ever heard of lipsense? It's a lipstick, that lasts up to 18 hours, you have over 70 different colors to choose from, it's budge proof, smudge proof and kissable! It doesn't come off on anything! If you want to learn more about it, or join my Facebook group click here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1967546560139162/

For Thanksgiving, we spent it with Trevor's family on the Oregon coast and it was so much fun! It's not very often, that my mother in law has all three of her boys home. I've never really been to Oregon before, let alone the Oregon coast. We ate a lot of delicious food, walked on the beach, took Bentley to the aquarium, and just spent time together with the Simpson side. Even though the weather wasn't quite good, I can't wait to go back, and hopefully that'll be soon!

December 2016:

For those of you who don't know, i was adopted when I was 3 months old. I had the amazing opportunity to meet some of my birth family at the beginning of the month. Trevor and I went and saw Moana the night it came out for date night. The movie just spoke to me, and I cried way too many times. I've always been interested in learning more about my culture, heritage and where I came from. I decided I wanted to try and find my birth family, but I didn't know where to start. I decided to start with Facebook and it worked. I searched the island that I came from and different pages came up, I hit the first one at the top of the page and wrote a post that said, "I was given up for adoption back in February of 1993, I was born in October of 92. I would love to find my birth mom. All I know is that my birth grandfather was the chief of Aunu'u at the time that I was found by my adoptive parents. Also, my middle name is Taumaoe and my birth father was ran out of the village because he was Tonga. If you can help me in anyway, I'd really appreciate it, I've been searching for years."

The next morning, I woke up to a Facebook message and a friend request, from someone I didn't know. I clicked on the message and it read, "Hi, I know you don't know me, but I know you. Here's my number, call me." I was shaking, because I thought it was all a dream. How could my post that I just posted last night, already help me find someone? It was so surreal. I called her, and she ended up being my cousin, who was really close to my birth mom when they were younger. She told me everything that she could remember, we ended up talking all day. I called my parents, and told them the story, and they told me to just be prepared for an emotional journey since they found me. It did seem a little too good to be true, so just to make sure, I had my cousin send me a picture of my grandparents. As soon as she sent it to me and I looked at it, I started bawling. I finally found some of my birth family and it was one of the best days of my life.

When I found out they live over in Seattle, my husband and I made the drive over to meet them the very next day. The whole way I was so nervous and felt like I was going to throw up, because I didn't know what they were going to think of me. They haven't seen me for 24 years, but it all worked out and I love them so much. They welcomed me with open arms and I am so glad my husband pushed me to try and find them. 

Another exciting thing that happened in December, was my dad got married! My step mom is exactly like my dad, which is why they go so well together. It was such a fun filled week, being able to celebrate my dad and his wife. All nine of my siblings and I were able to be there, it's not very often that we're all together and that week, and we made it happen. We all love seeing my dad so happy, he deserves nothing, but the best. I love being able to go back home to Utah, to visit my family, especially when I get to go by myself.

December was a pretty busy month for us! We traveled a lot and when we finally made it back home, we didn't want to leave haha.

We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day with my cousins in Seattle! They spoiled the heck out of Bentley with toys. I love being able to just drive over when I want to see them! So glad to be apart of the Tautolo family.

Trevor's cute little grandpa passed away the end of December, so after spending Christmas in Seattle, we started the drive down to Vegas where he is buried. On our way down we got to stop and see my family! It's always nice being able to see my family, because we don't get to see them very often, even if it's for thirty minutes or a day.

January 2017:

We rang in the new year separate this year! Trevor went and enjoyed a snowmobiling trip with his little brother in Northern, Utah, while I stayed in Salt Lake valley with my dad and step mom. It was a nice evening relaxing and just hanging out with Bentley. We were released from our calling in Nursery, due to not being there for three months and we want Bentley to get use to it without us in there. We did get new callings though, Trevor is the eleven year old scout assistant and I am the activity days assistant! I said goodbye to my blonde hair and my cute best friend Emma, took me back to my natural color!

February 2017:

We've been hit with some pretty rough trials, but it's nothing that we can't work through together. Nothing exciting has happened this month, but we were able to celebrate Valentine's Day with a few date nights! A movie, a fancy dinner at Subway, shopping for a washer & dryer, as well as grocery shopping.

2017 is already flying by, and before we know it 2018 is going to be here.

Until next time,

Xoxo
Emi